l   julio 22, 2016   l  

MI y AUF Los Boliches del Cerrito, están llenos de milicos


Otros tiempos: agentes del orden intercambian conceptos con parciales de Villa Española en el remozado Estadio Obdulio Varela.




M

Más no así nuestros estadios: parece que por primera vez en la historia de nuestro balompié, uno de sus actores principales ha decidido ser coherente y respetar un acuerdo previo. ¿Dónde se vio algo así? Así como alguien dijo alguna vez “el que quiera espectáculo que vaya al circo”, cabe decir “el que quiera coherencia que estudie las leyes de Newton”. En el fútbol, y en particular en el nuestro, no hay lugar para los coherentes.

Lubo Adusto Freire

Se lo resumo así: el señor Bonomi insiste con no meter personal subalterno dentro del estadio en los partidos de alto riesgo, hasta tanto la AUF no adquiera unas cámaras que son caras como la gran siete. ¿Por qué lo hace? Porque hace un par de años los clubes se comprometieron a comprar las cámaras en cuestión, lo que facilitaría el accionar de las fuerzas del orden, ya que ante la imposibilidad de molerlos a palos a todos –que sería el escenario ideal para el policía medio– se habilita el negarle el acceso a los malvivientes, mejorando la percepción de seguridad ciudadana y atenuando la prevalencia del hashtag “BonomiOut” creado hace algunos años por el violeta Mathías Cardacio.

¿Qué hacen los clubes? Dicen: “¿pero estás loco, Bicho? No tenemos plata para limpiar los baños o arreglar la cancha, ¿te parece que vamos a tenerla para comprar esas cámaras pedorras? Con lo que salen, me traigo media docena de Gamalhos o de Luques”. Y vaya si es racional el accionar de nuestros sagaces dirigentes.

¿Desde cuándo los clubes están obligados a cumplir aquello con lo que se comprometieron? Lo dicho: la coherencia y el fútbol uruguayo juegan en ligas diferentes, jamás se han cruzado. Pese a lo cual, analizaremos más fríamente la cuestión, para que usted pueda hacerse su propia composición de lugar ®Julio Ríos.

coraceros
¡Qué delantera la de Coraceros del 73! Matute, Kuntz, Gianola, “Robocop” Parodi y Straqualursi, “el milico que vino del frío” tal cual lo bautizó el recordado Andrés Salcedo.

Las cámaras

Funcionan así: hay una sola por cancha, por lo que toda la gente deberá pasar por delante de ella. Conociendo la tradicional tendencia del hincha oriental a llegar sobre la hora, es de esperar que la mitad de la gente se vuelva a su casa, al ver la cola de 14 cuadras con el partido ya en el minuto 13 del segundo tiempo. He ahí la primera gran ventaja de estas cámaras modernas: le sacan a uno las ganas de entrar y lo predisponen a tareas más enriquecedoras, como caminar por el Prado o cazar pokemones.

Si aun así el hincha accede a someterse a la cámara, y se reconoce su rostro como el de un inadaptado de siempre, sonará un pitido (similar al que emiten los camiones repartidores de garrafas), tras el cual, el gendarme más cercano procederá a darle un palazo en la sien, esposarlo, y enviarlo a la Seccional 9ª, de donde saldrá más tarde o más temprano dependiendo de la posibilidad que tenga de acceder al teléfono de Alejandro Balbi o de algún otro dirigente de probada capacidad para solucionar diferendos en pos del bien de nuestro fútbol.

Si, por el contrario, el hincha no estuviese fichado previamente, podrá acceder al estadio sin problemas, y allí sí dar rienda suelta a su condición de fanático. Podrá cantar que lo mejor que le pasó en la vida fue matar a dos hinchas del tradicional rival, cobrar peaje en los baños, arrancar butacas. Es decir, podrá comportarse como un auténtico hincha. Claro que si un policía lo ve, lo podrá detener, y fichar. Pero eso casi nunca ocurre, lo sabe cualquiera que haya ido al estadio en los últimos 70 años.

La posición de la AUF

La AUF está firme en no cumplir con aquello a lo que se comprometió hace dos años, amparada en que no le ha entrado la plata de Full Play (no confundir con Fer Play, programa de entretenimientos conducido por Fernando Bravo). Además, debido a los inconvenientes con la justicia experimentados por la plana mayor de la FIFA, tampoco ha ingresado dinero por esa vía (se adeudan desde los premios por el cuarto puesto en México 70 en adelante), estimándose que el último billete que ingresó a las arcas de la AUF fue uno de 200 nuevos pesos con la imagen de José Enrique Rodó. Mucho más sencillo que endeudarse o pedirle prestado a Casal es sembrar la idea de que la policía, y por extensión el ministerio, y por extensión el Proyecto Fr(aude/ente) Amplio, quieren privar al pueblo de su entretenimiento amansador por antonomasia. ¿Por qué lo hace? Simple.

Fuentes cercanas a la calle Guayabos (puntualmente, el cuidacoches del estacionamiento de Baldivia) nos confirmó que existe un pacto Wilmar/mer Valdez – Novick para que el hoy presidente perjudique el accionar del partido de gobierno, a cambio de un canje en La Cancha. También nos informó que subió el precio del polietileno para invernáculos, lo que nos hace sospechar que él también está firme en su afán por perjudicar al gobierno socialista. Todas ellas versiones difíciles de comprobar pero que, como buenos periodistas deportivos, nos abstendremos de contrastar.

Soluciones

Por último, y porque no nos quedamos en la crítica sino que aprendemos del sabio Luis Alberto Junior y pasamos a lo propositivo (por la positiva), compartimos algunas ideas para superar este entuerto y disputar una nueva edición del siempre apasionante Uruguayo Especial.

A – Jugar sin público.

Sería el efecto natural de las políticas que las autoridades del balompié patrio han venido llevando adelante en los últimos años. Primero fue la instauración de zonas de exclusión que obligan a la oligarquía a estacionar a 17 cuadras, vaya a saber uno por qué, ya que si bien uno no puede acercarse al Estadio con su Fíat Panda sí que puede hacerlo con una bazooka, al no haber barrera alguna para el hincha de a pie. Luego comenzaron las prohibiciones: primero las banderas grandes, luego los mástiles, luego el mate, las radios, y hasta el agua. “¿Tenés sed y sos diabético? Pues bien: ten a bien morir” es el claro mensaje. Por último, incomprensibles políticas de precios (400 pesos para cagarte de frío en el Complejo para ver de pie un Rentistas – El Tanque puede parecer demasiado) y la siempre latente posibilidad de ser vejado sin que nadie mueva un músculo, alientan al público a quedarse en sus casas y disfrutar del espectáculo a través de la pantalla del señor Casal. Como debe ser.

B – Jugar un tiempo en cada cancha.

Si partimos de la base de que los problemas surgen al haber hinchas de dos equipos conviviendo en un mismo recinto, la solución radica en quebrar con esa coincidencia espacial. Breve digresión: somos capaces de cruzarnos por la calle con Nino Gavazzo, y pensar las peores cosas, pero a casi nadie se le ocurriría agredirlo físicamente. De hecho el hombre fue al cumpleaños de 15 de su nieta y metió trencito cuando sonó “Violeta” de Alcides, y se zandungueó al compás de Katunga, sin que se reportara agresión alguna. Sin embargo, si estamos en el estadio, somos de tal cuadro y se nos cruza un hincha del tradicional rival, olvídate: le tiramos una pedrada, lo insultamos, le hacemos sentir el asco que nos dan los de su condición. ¡Así somos! Pero volviendo al punto: ¿por qué no instaurar el régimen de doble localía y jugar así el primer tiempo en una cancha y el segundo en otra? Algo bueno debía desprenderse del hecho de que el fútbol uruguayo se juegue en 20 cuadras a la redonda. Imaginesé: se duplican las fiestas del barrio, se duplican los puestos de trabajo de periodistas deportivos y vendedores de garrapiñada, se duplica la venta de vino en caja. En pocas palabras: se activa la economía.

palo en cerro
Imagen del ejemplar acto eleccionario en la sede cerrense. “Fue una fiesta cívica”, coincidieron los expertos.

C – Delegar la seguridad a los barras de Cerro.

La institución villera nos ha demostrado cómo con buena voluntad, no hay imposibles. Si los boxindangas seguidores del compañero con apellido de balneario fueron capaces de encarrilar una elección que parecía perdida, ¿no van a poder controlar a un puñado de adolescentes drogodependientes? Después de todo, si el problema es que los guardias de seguridad privada no pueden usar armas, ¿por qué no apelar a gente ducha en la aplicación de la ley sin otra arma que los puños y, llegado el caso, el diálogo?

Creemos, humildemente, haber contribuido a comenzar a desatar este nudo. Si queremos que el esférico comience a girar sobre nuestros desparejos campos, todos tenemos que poner nuestro granito de arena, más que nada para tapar algún pozo. Que los compromisos contraídos y no cumplidos no sean obstáculo para que podamos volvernos a cuestionar si el campeonato está arreglado para que lo gane un grande o para que lo gane el otro.

Porque de eso se trata la vida, después de todo.

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40 comentarios

  • guillermo says:

    La foto de portada no es de un partido de Villa Española. Se qu es una columna de humor. Pero los bobos se quedan con lo primero que ven. Villa Española hace años más de 10 que no tiene problema alguno. Alcanza y que hayan puesto que jugar ante Boston que mas o menos lleva 12 personas a las tribunas es un partido de riesgo.

  • Juan Figueredo says:

    Perfecto que quede bien claro, esto por más que sea de humor que no le pongan banderas , y tenes razón la presidencia de este Sr. Valdes deja mucho que desear :^

  • Rocko says:

    con personas como la que escribió esta columna nunca se va a avanzar, repartiste mierda para todos lados pero vos no aportaste nada.. Se ve que no te da para mucho Clark kent

  • Lubo Adusto says:

    Es así como usted dice. También aclaro que la foto de los gendarmes no corresponde con Coraceros del 73, y la Cerro no es de los recientes comicios.

  • Lubo Adusto says:

    No me tutee.

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